Thoughts in that Dark Night
by nightlynxness
Summary: I was a curious thing that sparked his interest. But my vampiric bloodlust was not what he expected to find. As I was busy crumbling apart, I never noticed the light in front of my eyes. NxM, thanks to all who read!


First of all, I would like to tell the readers that this is my first one-shot and that I'm very happy about it even though my exams are like, three days away, so please refrain from flaming my butt, 'kay? Peace.

**Disclaimer**: Don't own it, but my plot, mine, all mine.

This is set after Natsume finds out about Mikan's fangs and bloodlust and all. He transferred to Alice Academy. I impulsively wrote this, so I didn't really think about the story before the below happened.

**A Glimpse Through Her Eyes **

I rocked to and fro gently, hugging my legs close to me because it was the only thing to hug in this cold, lifeless room. I was weak and tired, but sleep would not come. My normally sparkling hazel eyes were dull and inanimate as I began to plunge into the depths of my mind and think of all that had happened, of the things I tried to forget but couldn't. Of everything that happened when _he_ came.

I wasn't surprised when the first thing that came to mind was comparing between before and after. Before, Hotaru was the only one who I could confide in about my... _heritage_. If fangs counted as one.

I knew that Hotaru accepted me, but inside, consciously, secretly, I longed for more.

I wanted someone to accept this ... _leeching _part of me not because it was irreversible and an inheritance I could not choose to refuse, but someone to accept it just because it was a part of me.

Someone who cared so much about me that they would accept this demonic part of me ... to listen to my fears, my insecurities without saying any sweet lies just so I would stop being frightened.

I knew it was selfish and completely demanding of me to want so much I was ashamed of myself for not being optimistic like I was about all else, ashamed because I wanted more than what I already had. And I knew that such a perfect person, kind person couldn't exist. But I just felt so...

Lonely.

Loneliness was my constant companion, even within the presence of Hotaru and my classmates. There was always a wall around me that differentiate me from the others, a chain I couldn't break free of.

I tried to pretend I belonged, but on those sleepless nights, I knew I had fooled no one, not even myself, into believing that. The aching loneliness in my chest was such that I had to take sleeping pills at times to make it almost bearable in my sleep, so that I wouldn't wake up screaming from my nightmares.

But sometimes, the absolute need and longing to belong would make me dream, and in those addictively sweet dreams I could almost taste the feeling of belonging.

I wanted someone to snap me out of my dream of a fairytale ending I knew couldn't exist, but how I wanted so much to continue living this lie. I hated myself more than anything because I was a coward. A pussy.

And then he came, everything I had and would want, yanking me forcefully into the light, leading me out of this darkness, my loneliness.

And I couldn't bear it. I didn't want someone so perfect to be wasted on something so useless, so ugly as me. So I was afraid. Afraid of making him suffer because of me, and afraid to be alone again.

But he showed me something extraordinary, something I wouldn't even dare to dream of. He showed me that he wanted me, needed me, something that shouldn't even exist.

And I became so much more afraid than I had ever been.

I was frightened by the pleading of his crimson eyes, the depth of affection in those captivating pools. But what frightened me most was the possibility that everything I saw was nothing.

That he was too good to be true.

I was a coward, so I ran. I didn't even keep the distance between us, I just cut off everything about him from my world, locking myself up inside my room so I wouldn't pass my 'sickness' to anyone.

We both knew I was just making an excuse but _he_ didn't know what the hell it was for. My goal was for him to forget about me, and go on with our lives the way it was meant to be. Not this way. He didn't deserve it. I did. I tried my best to put him from my mind, and forget everything. How he made me feel, the happiness I felt when we were together, the tears I shed for him, because of him, everything.

But everything had gone so horribly wrong.

Instead of letting my memories of him fade away, I did nothing but think of him each day. What I sought to let go now binded me more tightly than ever. I could see every feature of his face so clearly in my mind, from those piercing ruby red eyes to the determined and stubborn set of his jaw.

Instead of loneliness, I now felt the ache of longing and needing him that was so much more unbearable than my loneliness that I writhed and twisted as the desire consumed me. The hole in my chest burned me with such intensity I could do nothing but surrender.

I fought in vain against these attacks against my once impenetrable heart, but the more I fought against it, the more I realized too late that I had fallen. Fallen for him.

And that was when soft porcelain hands, familiar hands turned my door knob which I had locked. A beautiful shade of vivid violet orbs surveyed my pitiful condition skeptically, looking at my defeated and hunched back; the skinny frame which was my starved body and lost, dull hazel eyes.

She did not speak but gazed at me in a way I could not fathom how it made me feel guilt when I had started to feel nothing; numb.

As I ignored her, a voice which I had not heard for a long time chided me. For making her, the only person I trusted my secrets with and the long time childhood friend worry, for depriving my body of sleep and food it required, and most of all, for not being near the person whose voice I ached to hear, to see the person whose name was etched deep into my mind and heart.

But I just couldn't bring myself to face him because I was so afraid that it made my mind go numb and my body quiver at the mere thought of it. Of rejection and scorn.

**Coward**. That was the only word that could describe this despicable creature.

As my mind turned to nothing but his face again, a soft, cold yet somehow comforting voice called out to me.

"You look disgusting."

"That's not what you came here to say." My voice was hoarse with lack of use.

"If you can think that far, you should probably know what to do now. But of course, I wouldn't put it pass an idiot like you to not understand what I'm hinting."

"Since I'm such an idiot, why don't you tell me?"

"I want you to clear things up with Hyuuga."

That was when her first strike fell. Hearing his name was a pain I could barely bear. In a hoarse whisper, I asked: "How can you expect me to do that when you already know that he can only push me away?"

She glided down towards me gracefully as she held my cold hands. "No one but Natsume himself can make that decision. Even so, you need to bring an end to this; you need to let it go. Look at you, barely two weeks has passed since all this happened and you're already fading away."

Her second and third strike fell in quick succession. Natsume. The name sighed within the confines of my deranged mind.

She stared into my hazel eyes intently, those violet orbs begging me to relent. I looked away. A coward like me just couldn't face it. "No."

Her knuckles turned white at my answer then she let my hands go. "Too late, he's already on his way here."

My head snapped up towards the door as my eyes turned wide with fear and panic. I did not question why or how. Instinct told me to flee; I staggered upright just in time to see cold crimson orbs. My body went rigid. I was too late. Hotaru had already left and closed the door shut behind her. My mind went into a frenzied state. Thoughts began flashing through my mind at a lighting fast speed. His name was chanted over and over in my head. I still couldn't think; I only knew I wanted to get away.

I backed away to the furthest corner of the room I could reach; already the sight of him tore the staggering hole in my chest wider; something I longed for but did not deserve and could not have.

I thought I saw a flicker of hurt in his beautiful eyes when I backed away from him, but I knew that even if it were true, it would only aid the hole in tearing me apart after we've parted. I could no longer stay here, Alice or not, once my secret got out.

I looked at the ground. Anything other than him. "Why?"

That hoarse whisper reminded me of myself; full of pain and misery. I did not answer him, for I knew not how to.

"Why do you do this to me?"

I felt like my entire being was being ripped apart at the pain in his words. His next words hurt more than rejection could.

"They call me cruel, but you're being much crueler than I could ever be."

I wasn't for him. I knew that sooner or later, he would see the darker side of me; that he would despise me and leave me, so I chose to end it once and for all, ,just as Hotaru would have wanted, even though I knew that hurting him would hurt me more than it would hurt him.

"We can't be together, and you know exactly why." Even as I said those words, I was already falling apart inside.

"Do I look like I care?" I wondered if anyone else would have heard the desperation in his voice as he took a step towards me.

I braced myself for the next words I were about to say. "And what if I don't feel the same way as how you feel towards me?"

He stopped in his tracks, his soft raven bangs falling into his eyes. "And how would you know how I feel towards you?" He began to come closer, one step at a time. I was trapped.

"You made it clear enough the last we spoke."

Then suddenly, there he was, standing right before me, his warm body barely inches from my own. His hands, those strong hands that had always protected me, lifted and gently cupped my cheeks, forcing me to look into those serious crimson orbs which I both loved and feared. "At that time, I didn't tell you I loved you."

I was shocked. As I searched his eyes, I knew he told the truth, or what he thought was the truth. I didn't know how to respond. In every scenario I ever had in my head, nothing like this ever happened. He was giving me hope for the impossible. I couldn't think any further, because the wound in my chest was more than I could take.

Tears came to my eyes before I could even comprehend what I was doing. In the chaos in my mind, all I knew was that he loved me, and yet I was pushing him away, the complete opposite of what we both wanted. I blurted:"You won't love me for long, even if you truly love me now. Eventually, you'll leave. Can't you see? It's better for this to end now, than hurting each other in the future."

Those breathtaking orbs didn't waver. It was almost like he didn't hear, which was impossible in this silence. Without missing a beat, he asked me a question in a soft, silky voice, a question I couldn't quite forget. "Do you love me?"

My heart stopped. My exhausted mind wasn't going to hold out if this pressure continued, but I wouldn't give up trying to push him away. I had to, or else the pain would kill me later, not that dying seemed like a bad option. "My answer doesn't matter."

He said nothing, but brushed my hair with the tips of his fingers in a gentle caress, as if he missed me as much as I had. Pleading with me.

Why? Why was he the only one who could penetrate my defenses straight into my heart, and make me so weak? I couldn't fight against it anymore. I was so tired, so alone…

"… Mikan."

At that single word laced with affection, the last of my defenses crumbled. I didn't fight against it anymore. I simply couldn't. How could I when sincerity rang with his every word, every touch? Without thinking about it, I leaned into his warm embrace, and felt those strong arms around me, those arms that were like wings of an angel, a black winged angel that protected me from everything, even the loneliness.

For the first time, I allowed myself to be protected instead of protecting, and in his arms, I felt a bliss I never felt before. I felt free, as if I had escaped my invisible chains. Mental and physical fatigue finally claimed me, and as I sank into sleep, my last coherent thought was that maybe, just maybe, there was a place where I belonged in this world…

…his heart.


End file.
